FILM REVIEW: DEAD SNOW. Review by Mark Woods.

Recipe for Good Zombie Pie:

Take several fresh young actors (enough to fill 91 minutes)
Cool to near freezing on a weekend trip to a log cabin somewhere in Norway (well, Øksfjord, actually.)
Heat the tempers of a platoon of undead Nazi Zombies by invading their personal space.
Add a large dollop of humour.
Wrap up filming with decent photographic direction.
Consume with several beers.

Right, enough of the pie analogy...it's not really going anywhere and I feel slightly queasy....

Dead Snow is a Norwegian film which follows the usual teenagers-versus-unspecified-hostiles-in-a-secluded-location-format. This time its a platoon of Nazi Zombies.

During the Second World War the evil Nazi Colonel Herzog and his platoon terrorised the local village of Øksfjord. They performed unspeakable acts of horror upon the population and made their lives a living nightmare as they raped and looted to their hearts' content. Finally unable to cope anymore the locals banded together and managed to get the upper hand, chasing the troops into the mountains and it was presumed that they had all frozen to death.

The story takes place in the present day. A group of medical students, who, as usual, are far older than the teenage characters they are supposed to represent, are holidaying. They drive to their log cabin in the mountains and are equipped for a weekend of fun with all the snow-mobiles, music and drink they could wish for. It's not long before fantastic shots of fjords and snow sports fill the screen.

At first everything is tickety-boo. No problems. A good time is had by all. Then, during the evening, a stranger knocks at their door. As the old, gnarled hunter helps himself to their beer, eyes the sensational Evy Kasseth Røsten lasciviously and rolls and smokes his meagre cigarettes he recounts the tale of the Nazi oppressors being overcome in this vicinity. He warns them...strange spirits walk abroad in these forests. They need to respect their surroundings. Having scared them silly he vanishes again into the night.

The group discover a box of stolen Nazi gold in the snow. Deciding to keep it is their biggest mistake. That night their partying is interrupted by strange visitations which begin with fleeting glimpses of shadowy figures surrounding their cabin and works to a climax of gore-filled battling in the increasingly crimson snow. Chainsaws and snow-mobiles are used to good effect in dispatching their supernatural foe. The odds are stacked against them however and Colonel Herzog manages to kill them all except one despite the fact that he has been dead since the Second World War.

Our final character makes it to the car....he's lost the gold and his friends to the Nazi Zombies but managed to hang onto his life.

Except.............well. Watch the film.

I enjoyed this film. It's a load of old nonsense. Which is good as that's what I wanted. What makes it stand out is the humour. A lot of horror films, especially the low-budget variety such as this, try to give better value by attempting humour. It rarely works. This film has some genuinely laugh-out-loud moments. If you're a fan of gory deaths done with aplomb then you'll enjoy this. Oh, and Evy is lovely. Stunning. Ahem...

With stunning helicopter aerial shots of Norway the photography is head and shoulders above your usual gore flick.

Recommended zombie fun.

7/10

Review by Mark Woods, August 2009. LordBeanpod@GMail.com

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Iron Maiden: Flight 666 - Film Review by Mark Woods.

"Iron Maiden: Flight 666" follows the rock band Iron Maiden on their last tour. But this is no ordinary tour! Having been told by accountants constantly that certain locations were too expensive to play Bruce Dickinson, the band's singer, hit upon the idea that if they flew directly to anywhere with an airport, joining the dots across the globe, they could complete the most insane rock tour ever planned! Being a trained pilot himself who better to fly "Flight 666" than Bruce himself?! This is what they did.

Already impressed you then will see the band, its entire road crew (who are quite obviously insane) and their entire kit, 70 tonnes of it, fly across 5 continents over 45 days, cover fifty thousand miles and perform 23 huge gigs in India, Australia, Japan, USA, Canada, Mexico and South America.

I'm a huge fan and have been for a long, long time (since me Dad bought me Number of the Beast in 1986!) but this film will interest anyone with an interest in rock music. Or travel. Or just plain effort!! These guys deserve their enormous following. As artists they're great anyway but this documentary demonstrates the energy these guys have and the reason they still tour a quarter of a century after I first heard of them! I feel old now!

The band members are thoroughly dissected under the lens. Bruce Dickinson - lead vocals (1981–1993, 1999–present) - is clearly deserving of the legendary status he holds among the rock following. Rockstar, pilot, novelist, international level fencer, script writer and actor this is the definitive renaissance man. Nicko McBrain -drums, percussion (1982-present)- is a star too - sensational drummer and just one funny guy. A gentle giant. Steve Harris – bass, backing vocals, keyboards (1975-present) - is interesting in interview. Dave Murray – guitars (1976-present) - has a few choice stories to tell. Adrian Smith – guitars, backing vocals (1980–1990, 1999–present) - describes the techniques the band use to avoid killing each other. Janick Gers – guitars, backing vocals (1990-present) - shows off his guitar flinging skills as well as his exceptional playing. Michael Kenney – live keyboards (since 1986) - tinkles his ivories.

The gigs themselves become ludicrous as Bruce pilots the band into South America. Locations such as Bogota, Mexico City and Santiago are viewed from crowd level outside where people have been camping on the roadside for 10 days to get prime positions in the stadiums. Heavy handed policing, which is needed in truth, adds to the sense of occasion. By the end of the gig Bruce is sitting on a monitor speaker while the people of South America chant "Maiden, Maiden, Maiden" as though they were all supporting the world's most popular football team (forget Manchester United!) or worshipping at the alter. This is ironic, as Mr Dickinson points out, because they have previous been banned from playing these countries by the Catholic Church around the time of "Number of the Beast". The Truth will prevail!

The side of the film which showed a couple of the members playing golf to unwind disappointed me initially. I'm not a golf fan and to me rock and golf don't go together. BUT, if that's what floats you boat then do it. Alice Cooper or Nicko McBrain teeing off just seems wrong to me. However, in true Spinal Tap fashion Nicko manages to turn a game of golf into a tour threatening incident when he gets whacked by a ball! Even the golf is entertaining in the end!

To conclude, if you're after a behind-the-scenes look at Iron Maiden with the added bonus of the pressure of a ridiculous schedule, then this is your bag.

Excellent, entertaining stuff. I recommend watching the end credits as well!!

"Up the Irons!!!"

7/10.

Review: Mark Woods, 2009 (LordBeanpod@GMail.com)

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And while we're at it...........

Creative EP-630 headphones - review by Mark Woods.

After many years of using my Sony headphones I've finally had to admit it. My ears are weird. The things keep falling out. The headphones that is - not my ears.

Having recently taken up occasional running again - and I do mean occasional - I found that the movement caused by jogging caused the earpieces to constantly fall out. I'd heard about in-ear headphones with changeable sizes of earbuds and decided to give them a go.

I ordered my pair of Creative EP-630s from eBay for the princely sum of four pounds including delivery. First impressions were that they looked well built as I would expect from Creative. I immediately tried them with my Sony mp3 player and was surprised to hear what appeared to be an underwater concert. After experimenting with the earbud sizes (four are supplied) and the method of inserting them into the ear I got much better results,

The sound is a lot more bassy than I'm used to. I adjusted the graphic equaliser on my mp3 player and got very good results in the low, middle and high frequency ranges. Sounding good.

The problem of them falling out was only partially cured. The earpieces do stay in better than my previous set but they still fall out during running sessions. I now run without them. Listening while walking was improved though. They stay in place all the way into town and back. No more constant readjusting.

My major complaint is that the wires are coated in a thick rubberised material. I'm sure this makes them more durable but it is so thick that you have the feeling that you are being constantly accosted by the frenetic flailing tentacles of some deranged audio-squid. They wave around your face and are very distracting no matter how you try and arrange them The best I've managed so far is to slip them between two layers if you're wearing them. They stay in place a little more then.

The connection at the player is always the weak point on cheap headphones I've found and these have gone already. The copper wire is exposed as the rubber has broken after only a couple of uses. The unit still works but I doubt it will for long.

For the money I paid I'm happy but I wouldn't buy another pair because of the thick wires and poor connections.

7/10.

Review: Mark Woods, 2009 (LordBeanpod@GMail.com)

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Monkey Trousers - DVD Review by Mark Woods.

Monkey Trousers is a sketch show originally aired on ITV in the UK and penned by Vic Reeves (Jim Muir), Bob Mortimer,Steve Coogan,Simon Blackwell,
Jill Parker and Christian Azzola. It also features Ronni Ancona, John Thomson, Mackenzie Crook, Ralf Little, Alsitair McGowan, Rhys Thomas and Tony Way. They're all here!

Its format is similar to The Fast Show or Little Britain being character driven. We return to scenes such as the Geordie Moonshot Crew - "I smerk way mur than him, like, so I should get the ashtray", the Steve Erwin pastiche that is "The Croc Botherer"- "Let's dive on the ****!", the Idiot Estate Agent - "Has the house been on the market for long?", "I don't know - but you'll notice the shower is arranged so that the water falls onto you rather than you manually having to draw it up onto your body". Steve Coogan's disturbing creation, the Toy Shop Owner, is a highlight; "Oh, doesn't she like the Little Princess Amputee?". John Thompson had me in stitches with his voiceover artist whose performance is dictated by the type of cigarettes he smokes in the booth. The Menthol had a distrubing effect.

I own the double DVD set of this series so I've seen it a few times now...I know what I'm talking about when I say I think you either "get" Vic and Bob or you hate them. Personally I love em. Always have..always will.

If you do "get" this brand of humour you'll love this series. The comedy acting is second to none...with Vic, Bob, Steve Coogan, John Thomson et al putting in top notch timed performances.

The character based format is perfect for all the actors....Vic and Bob's being the best in my opinion. "Croc Botherer" and the Vicar both had me laughing out loud again last night when I reran the DVD....I was on my own..should I worry? I'm adamant this is carefully crafted comedy material and not tosh as some have suggested.

9/10

Review: Mark Woods, 2009 (LordBeanpod@GMail.com)

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LION CREST ENGLISH ALE - REVIEW BY MARK WOODS.

Cheap beer is rubbish, right? Wrong. I recently bought a four pack of this stuff from Tesco in March 2009 at a retail price of GBP 1.99. I have to say I was pleasantly surprised. It is brewed by Yates and Jackson brewery and is 4 percent strength.

The beer is a traditional English ale and is very hoppy. The way I like it. The hops used in beer give it the bitterness and I like my beer very hopped. For such a reasonably priced product I was surprised by how much flavour there was available to me. Incidentally the hops also preserve the beer.

Pouring revealed a nice head which stayed down the glass. Colour is good and rich - a light nut brown. Aroma is great, the hops strong and floral.

If you're bothered about packaging the can has a nice design of armoured knight with shield and lance. It will put hairs on your chest and make a man of you.

At 50 pence a can you will not find better value. A quality drink and a new favourite. Cheers!

8/10.

Review: Mark Woods, 2009 (LordBeanpod@GMail.com)

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